Gloomy days

These days where I just want to hide from the world…

My husband is feeling better, that’s a good thing. But I don’t know what to do with myself.

I have been taking the Milnacipran for three weeks now. The side effects have subsided, but my mood hasn’t lifted. I know you should give a new anti depressant at least six weeks. But I know from my past experience, if there isn’t any improvement in the first weeks, it will not get better in the long term.

I feel desperate. I didn’t expect a miracle to happen, I know that much. But a little zest for life, a spark I could light a fire with, that is what I would’ve needed.

The urge to make this frustration go away with self harm, even just for a short time, is really strong right now. For the moment it is kept at bay, because my husband is home all the time with me. But this will not always be the case.

On days like today, good times seem to be out of reach. Hopelessness paralyses me until I can’t move anymore.

The weather doesn’t help. It is cold and rainy, I am still cold from being outside earlier.

Figures that my hearing aid is broken and has to be sent away for repair. At least I have another one I can use.

Tomorrow morning I have my two-weekly appointment with my therapist. Maybe this will help.

War in my head

My brain still struggles to adjust to the new medication. It is something I remember from the past, when I started taking new antidepressants.

Perception changes, things seem to be of a brighter colour, light is glistening. It makes me feel restless and irritable. This state of mind is difficult to describe. I am very sensitive regarding my senses, because they have to compensate for my bad hearing. That’s why any change frightens me. On a positive note, the anxiety attacks decrease.

Hopefully we reach the next level soon, which would be that I finally feel better. I try to go on with my everyday life as good as I can, so I went to the next city, as I always do on Saturday. Going on with life is something that always helped me through difficult times.

These small victories in my fight against the overwhelming adversary depression may be unimportant to bystanders, but it gives me the strength to continue my battle.

One week Milnacipran

I have been taking Milnacipran for a week now. First it was 50 mg in the morning, then 50 mg in the morning and in the evening since Wednesday.

If I had it my way, I would feel wonderful by now, but not a bit of it. I am very aware of the fact it is way too early to say if Milnacipran is working for me or not, but I am just very pissed and tense right now. I suffer from annoying side effects, especially dizzyness (which increases my unsteady gait) and anxiety attacks (of course the scary ones, that seem to come out of thin air – even though I take more anti-anxiety medication).

This makes life more difficult for me, I don’t trust myself to drive a car in this condition. I postponed appointments when possible, and I wasn’t very sad that occupational therapy had to be cancelled this week because so many therapists called in sick. But it annoys me that some things couldn’t be done, for instance my parents’ tax return.

 

I rely on my safety net right now, and I don’t like that feeling, although everybody is very understanding. It’s a good thing I have talk therapy and my monthly podiatrist appointment tomorrow morning, a little distraction will make me feel better.

Homemade Horrortrip

In yesterday’s post I mentioned that psychotropic drugs are no panaceas. Taking Milnacipran for the first time today reminded me of this and turned out to be a drama in three acts. Acting persons were sensible Viola (sV) and crazy Viola (cV).

 

1. Act

sV und cV: Ok, let’s give this a go! [take Milnacipran capsule]

[sV und cV have breakfast, drink tea and talk to the postman, everything is fine with the world.].

cV zu sV: I feel a little off…

sV: Let’s find a nice place to lay down.

[cV und sV lay down on the bed and surf the internet to see what happened in the world… Denmark’s Prince Henrik has died, things are looking better at the German Stock Exchange, sunny winter days ahead…]

cV [jumps up]: Help! I’m dying! My heart is racing, I feel sick to the stomach, I am dizzy and my head is about to explode! sV, call an ambulance, this must be f*cking serotonine syndrome!!!

sV [mouth agape]: Well, shit!

2. Act

cV stumbles aimlessly around and mutters nonsense, like, “Why did I agree to try this; always the same with this stuff; what should I do; I am home alone…”]

sV [does some research concerning possible side effects and elimination time of Milnaciprane, connects with some friends and starts to feel better. Taps cV on the shoulder]: Calm down now, this will pass! This happened before, we will survive! But right now, we really better hurry for the toilet, something wants out!

Half an our later.

[cV to sV]: Shitty situation, isn’t it?

sV: Literally. But I think the worst is over.

3. Act

[cV and sV chill on the bed and nibble on a piece of toast].

sV: See? Everything is so much better now.

cV: Yes. I hope we will not have to go through this again tomorrow.

sV: I hope so, too…

Joking aside: I learned to not completely lose it. If I lose it, I may have to go to the psychiatric outpatient clinic. It is a well-known fact that symptoms can worsen before the patient feels better where anti depressants are concerned. This has to be taken seriously.

I am aware of this, and I know what I can do in case of a crisis. It was so helpful today that there are people I can talk to. Sometimes you just need somebody who listens and says: “Well, this sucks!”