“But there is a place in my heart /Where nothing blooms anymore”

(↑ Ricarda Huch, “Nicht alle Schmerzen sind heilbar…” – “Some pains are incurable”? I didn’t find an english version of this wonderful poem).

Saturday we celebrated my husband’s 50th birthday. Two guests even brought flowers for me (picture above), this was nice.

I had lots of help, our mothers and our friend brought something to eat as well. Not all of the guests had met before, but everyone got along so well.

The little niece was there as well, and she is really great. She is curious, but also calm and balanced. And still… Seeing her with my husband caused me almost unbearable pain. Seeing her with my mother hurt so much. Seeing what I will never have was so cruel and brough up so many dark feelings in me.

But there was also a wonderful moment in the kitchen with my mother, when I told her how hard everything was for me. She put her arms around me, held me tight and said: “You are the number one in my heart!” I needed to hear this so much, and I told her so.

Yesterday and today were a complete write-off. I was shaken by grief and tears, and my back hurt very much as well. My husband was surprised, to him it seemed everthing was alright at the party (I can be a good actress, if need be. And Saturday my husband having a great time was my top priority). Talking to him openly yesterday and today helped a great deal. But it will take a while until everything is back to normal.

In me is an open wound that doesn’t heal. The quote from Ricarda Huch describes it so well. Today I made it to the dentist, where I had an appointment, and tomorrow I want to go to OT group. Not surrendering everything to the pain is my goal for the next days.

 

Facing my fears

Wednesday I tried to make the next step. My plan was to meet with the little niece outside the family gatherings, because meeting many people adds to the stress.

My husband and the in-laws really tried to accomodate me. Everybody wanted to make this possible. It was hard for me to accept so much help, but I tried to help them in the past as well. And I am of course aware of the fact that everybody needs help sometimes.

I went through a lot of feelings that day, and I shed a few tears as well. And on the next day I still felt very rattled. But after that, I calmed down. It wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t handle it. But maybe my goal to at least be a part of the family festivities is realistic. And maybe it becomes easier with time.

My next goal will be to go to the Christmas brunch held by the parents-in-law on boxing day.

The pain that we will won’t have children will not just vanish. But I don’t want it to destroy my life. I will see what is possible. But I will continue to find my own way.

 

Out of place

That’s how I feel right now. Like this dried up tree (it’s supposed to be art, by the way) surrounded by spring. But this spring doesn’t happen for me.

It’s really hard for me to cope with my SIL’s pregnancy. At first I thought this feeling would go away on its own. We were told last Christmas, but I am still drowning in waves of emotion.

We always wanted to have children. It didn’t happen, despite medical treatments. We were told we would likely be denied adoptive or foster children because of my issues, and to be honest: We weren’t sure if we could deal with the problems these children bring along from their past.

 

Being told things like “Who knows what this is good for?” don’t help very much when an lifelong dream shatters. This may be true, and we know children are not the only source of happiness. But it still hurts. Of course every now and then friends and acquaintances became parents, but I somehow I managed to play along. I was more stable then, my work distracted me. I also surpressed a lot.

Right now, I have no coping strategies for what is happening. Everything hits me full force. My feelings go everywhere, and my inner demon self-hatred tortures me. Talking about it makes it hurt more – the opposite should be true.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I hope I can come up with something, and quick.