… was my husband’s comment on his birthday party.
I would have called it a disaster. My sister-in-law entered the living room, her six month old baby on her arm, and I just broke down. I waved goodbye, said I would be upstairs, and fled – into the arms of my dubious friend, the razor blade. After that, I took my as-needed-med and went to bed.
Later, my mother came to check on me and suggested we take a walk. So I changed and we walked through the rainy night for about fifteen minutes. This calmed me down. Then my mother went back to the party and I went to bed.
On Sunday I just felt miserable and stayed in bed.
Yesterday I felt at least a little bit better. But I knew I need some rest. So I cancelled the OT appointments for this week. I just want to calm down.
Today was even better. I put on make up, went grocery shopping and took a break having coffee and cake, before I drove back home.
It also helps that I started my usual “tour de chores” yesterday, like I do every Monday. With every room I clean, I get a little bit of safety back.
And to come back to my husband’s comment: At least I know for sure that I still am not ready to have contact with the baby. The uncertainty before was way worse. Everybody in the family knows where we stand. Everybody knows I need more time. This clarity is a good thing, despite all the pain.
But right know, I need some rest to regain my equilibrium. I have no doubt I will get better, but I need to take it easy this week. Wish me luck!
This Saturday our house will be full of family (including the baby), and we will celebrate my husband’s birthday. I was hoping my anxiety level would go down, but this didn’t happen.
When I talked to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, we agreed I should try a new as-needed med to calm me down (it’s an antipsychotic and not habit-forming). Right now, I couldn’t do without it. I am still trying to figure out with dose works best for me. It doesn’t help when I feel “comfortably numb”, but can’t get out of the bed.
If I could make a wish, tomorrow would be Sunday, but of course it doesn’t work this way. I also am afraid that I crash hard after the party, but of course I don’t know that yet.
Right now I just try to keep going, but it’s hard.
Yesterday I noticed that my impulse control still is very limited. This is when my Borderline Personality Disorder takes over from time to time.
In fact, I just spilled the dirty water while cleaning the living room floor. It was my fault, and nothing really bad happened. I exploded anyway. For minutes I kept on yelling and throwing things (a wooden dolphin from Lanzarote didn’t survive my rage :-(). The dogs fled the room and didn’t come back for hours, they waited until my husband returned from work. I can’t blame them, and I know I absolutely overreacted in this situation.
Mostly I am able to calm myself down before everything escalates. Yesterday I was already stressed, because I had started going through my books and throwing away lots of them. While I was doing this, I didn’t realize how difficult this task really was for me. Looking back, I think the many emotions I felt while throwing about 30 kg of books away should have warned me. I still need to install a reliable early warning system.
The issue of detecting early warning signs also came up in my last therapy session – there still is much work ahead of me in this regard. On a more positive note, these situations happen not as often as they did a year ago.