Try and error…

Try and error…


… was my husband’s comment on his birthday party.

I would have called it a disaster. My sister-in-law entered the living room, her six month old baby on her arm, and I just broke down. I waved goodbye, said I would be upstairs, and fled – into the arms of my dubious friend, the razor blade. After that, I took my as-needed-med and went to bed.

Later, my mother came to check on me and suggested we take a walk. So I changed and we walked through the rainy night for about fifteen minutes. This calmed me down. Then my mother went back to the party and I went to bed.

On Sunday I just felt miserable and stayed in bed.

Yesterday I felt at least a little bit better. But I knew I need some rest. So I cancelled the OT appointments for this week. I just want to calm down.

Today was even better. I put on make up, went grocery shopping and took a break having coffee and cake, before I drove back home.

It also helps that I started my usual “tour de chores” yesterday, like I do every Monday. With every room I clean, I get a little bit of safety back.

And to come back to my husband’s comment: At least I know for sure that I still am not ready to have contact with the baby. The uncertainty before was way worse. Everybody in the family knows where we stand. Everybody knows I need more time. This clarity is a good thing, despite all the pain.

But right know, I need some rest to regain my equilibrium. I have no doubt I will get better, but I need to take it easy this week. Wish me luck!



Tired and stressed

Tired and stressed

This Saturday our house will be full of family (including the baby), and we will celebrate my husband’s birthday. I was hoping my anxiety level would go down, but this didn’t happen.

When I talked to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, we agreed I should try a new as-needed med to calm me down (it’s an antipsychotic and not habit-forming).  Right now, I  couldn’t do without it. I am still trying to figure out with dose works best for me. It doesn’t help when I feel “comfortably numb”, but can’t get out of the bed.

If I could make a wish, tomorrow would be Sunday, but of course it doesn’t work this way. I also am afraid that I crash hard after the party, but of course I don’t know that yet.

Right now I just try to keep going, but it’s hard.

Short fuse

Short fuse


Yesterday I noticed that my impulse control still is very limited. This is when my Borderline Personality Disorder takes over from time to time.

In fact, I just spilled the dirty water while cleaning the living room floor. It was my fault, and nothing really bad happened. I exploded anyway. For minutes I kept on yelling and throwing things (a wooden dolphin from Lanzarote didn’t survive my rage :-(). The dogs fled the room and didn’t come back for hours, they waited until my husband returned from work. I can’t blame them, and I know I absolutely overreacted in this situation.

Mostly I am able to calm myself down before everything escalates. Yesterday I was already stressed, because I had started going through my books and throwing away lots of them. While I was doing this, I didn’t realize how difficult this task really was for me. Looking back, I think the many emotions I felt while throwing about 30 kg of books away should have warned me. I still need to install a reliable early warning system.

The issue of detecting early warning signs also came up in my last therapy session – there still is much work ahead of me in this regard. On a more positive note, these situations happen not as often as they did a year ago.