Thankful Thursday #3

Thankful Thursday #3

The Thankful Thursday Blog Hop is hosted by Brian from Brian’s Home. He encourages us to say what we are thankful for today.

It may sound very trivial, but today I am thankful for lots of quiet time. After a very stressful weekend I decided I needed some time for myself. And it paid off, because today was the first day I feel much better, my energy returns and I am more optimistic.

Thankful Thursday Blog Hop


Try and error…

Try and error…


… was my husband’s comment on his birthday party.

I would have called it a disaster. My sister-in-law entered the living room, her six month old baby on her arm, and I just broke down. I waved goodbye, said I would be upstairs, and fled – into the arms of my dubious friend, the razor blade. After that, I took my as-needed-med and went to bed.

Later, my mother came to check on me and suggested we take a walk. So I changed and we walked through the rainy night for about fifteen minutes. This calmed me down. Then my mother went back to the party and I went to bed.

On Sunday I just felt miserable and stayed in bed.

Yesterday I felt at least a little bit better. But I knew I need some rest. So I cancelled the OT appointments for this week. I just want to calm down.

Today was even better. I put on make up, went grocery shopping and took a break having coffee and cake, before I drove back home.

It also helps that I started my usual “tour de chores” yesterday, like I do every Monday. With every room I clean, I get a little bit of safety back.

And to come back to my husband’s comment: At least I know for sure that I still am not ready to have contact with the baby. The uncertainty before was way worse. Everybody in the family knows where we stand. Everybody knows I need more time. This clarity is a good thing, despite all the pain.

But right know, I need some rest to regain my equilibrium. I have no doubt I will get better, but I need to take it easy this week. Wish me luck!



Ten Things of Thankful, Week 09/2019

Ten Things of Thankful, Week 09/2019

So I proudly join the TToT-community again. Let’s see what I can contribute:

  • My husband was able to celebrate another birthday. I am very grateful for that and for the long years we were allowed to spend together.
  • He wants to buy a new, stronger lamp for the fish tank as a birthday gift for himself, and I was able to contribute to that. This makes me happy as well.
  • The dreaded birthday party of my husband is over. I will post about it later, but for now I feel very relieved.
  • I am proud that our house was clean, tidy and prepared for the party, and I didn’t need to feel ashamed. One thing less to worry about.
  • My mother and my mother-in-law helped me a lot and brought things to eat to the party. This made things so much easier for me.
  • Everybody told us how pretty the newly decorated fish tanks is. It’s a good thing all the time (and money) pays off.
  • My cousin (the daughter of my uncle who died before Christmas) told us her mother had decided to get two little kittens. Nothing can replace her husband, but I am sure these two little bundles of joy will bring her love and some distraction.
  • We found a series on N*tflix we both enjoy, “Reign”. It is set in Scotland and portrays the life of Mary Stuart (mostly fiction, I’d say). I did some research and found out we will be able to see all four seasons. We are now into season two, and I blurted out “It’s a pity that we know the end!” Of course Mary dies in the end, and Elizabeth becomes Queen of England. We had a good laugh about this.
  • I decided not to go to OT this week. I need time to calm down now after all this stress, and there are so many things to think about. I am glad I know my limits.
  • The days have become so much longer that we can take walks with the dogs in the sun again after my husband comes home from work. We both enjoy this so much.


Friendly Fill-Ins Week 146

Friendly Fill-Ins Week 146

I again participate in the Friendly Fill-Ins, hosted by Four-LeggedFurballs and 15andmeowing. So here we go:
1. My favorite kind of music is dependent on my mood. I grew up in the Seventies and Eighties with lots of pop and rock music, and this will do fine for most days. I also like classic music, because my parents listened to this frequently and I learned to play the flute.

2. I don’t believe that social media per se makes people lonely, because it gave me so much valuable insight into other people’s lifes. It’s all about keeping a good balance between online and offline. 

3. My ideal day starts with a long walk with our dogs, especially if my husband can join us. 
4. Don’t let other people stop you from doing what feels right for you. Listen carefully, but don’t let them make decisions for your life. 
ellen_cat_badge_3 cropped.png
Tired and stressed

Tired and stressed

This Saturday our house will be full of family (including the baby), and we will celebrate my husband’s birthday. I was hoping my anxiety level would go down, but this didn’t happen.

When I talked to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, we agreed I should try a new as-needed med to calm me down (it’s an antipsychotic and not habit-forming).  Right now, I  couldn’t do without it. I am still trying to figure out with dose works best for me. It doesn’t help when I feel “comfortably numb”, but can’t get out of the bed.

If I could make a wish, tomorrow would be Sunday, but of course it doesn’t work this way. I also am afraid that I crash hard after the party, but of course I don’t know that yet.

Right now I just try to keep going, but it’s hard.

Friendly Fill-Ins Week 145

Friendly Fill-Ins Week 145

I again participate in the Friendly Fill-Ins, hosted by Four-LeggedFurballs and 15andmeowing. So here we go:

1. I believe everything we do comes back to us. So we better do good things 🙂 .
2. I need to go Marie Kondo on my negative thoughts. But years of practice are hard to let go *sigh*.
3. It does no good to hate other people for what they have or haven’t done in the past. It doesn’t change anything, and life doesn’t become any better by clinging to hate (I am not perfect in this, but I am trying).

4. I find cuddling with our furbabies to be a walk in the park. I am glad for that, because there were times when even this was too much!
ellen_cat_badge_3 cropped.png