Feline Friday 22

Feline Friday 22

Like most cats, Jackie spends much time cleaning her fur. When my hand or my face is near her head, she tries to clean me as well and is always very disappointed when I don’t let her lick my face.

She does a very good job, though, her fur is always shiny. We humans have to be careful: During her cleaning sessions we better don’t disturb or interrupt, that can make Jackie hiss, claw or bite us ūüėĀ. She trained us well, of course.

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Yesterday…

Yesterday…

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…was one of those days that just become worse and worse. Everything started normally, I walked the dogs, did chores and had my single OT session. When I was on the way home, my mother-in-law texted me and sent me a picture: She is over the moon, because her grandchild spent the first night with them.

I wasn’t prepared for this, and it hit me hard. When I finally came home, I was a mess and had very dark thoughts in my head: “I am a failure, because we have no children, I just want to die”, “The pain inside me is so strong, I want to hurt myself.”

Listening to music and cleaning dishes didn’t distract me enough. Finally I took my as-needed med and went to lie on my bed. One of the dogs stayed in the bedroom with me, and the cat lay down on my tummy. My husband came home, I talked to him, prepared dinner, went to bed again, had a nap, watched TV – and I still felt bad. Took a nice warm shower before turning in for the night – didn’t help, it took me a long time to fall asleep. I didn’t dare to take more from the as-needed med, because I didn’t want to make getting up in the morning too hard.

Woke up today and didn’t feel any better, but I somehow managed not to hurt myself. Took a very long walk with our dogs and thought everything over. I knew I had to tell my mother-in-law how her message yesterday made me feel. This wasn’t about blaming her or explaining myself – I just don’t want this to happen again. So I texted her that my pain about not being a mother was triggered yesterday, and that I am still busy with finding a way to manage my new everyday life. And that her son and my new everyday life are most important to me right now, but that my days are full with that.

I don’t know what her answer will be, but I finally felt better. My therapist in the hospital told me I have to let the people around me know how they make me feel – if they don’t know, they can’t help me. I don’t like that, it makes me feel very vulnerable. On the other hand this can help me to get some of the weight of my shoulders. It seems this was what I needed today.

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Ten Things of Thankful, Week 44/2018

Ten Things of Thankful, Week 44/2018

  • This was another week in which I managed to find a good mix between chores, exercise and relaxation. I am thankful I had enough energy and self discipline.
  • My pack was happy because it felt cared for by me, and that made me happy as well. Win-win!
  • Talked to my mother on the phone and told her I sometimes still struggle with this new life. My mother works with mentally ill people herself and knew what I was talking about. She said: “You think this is hard, because IT IS HARD. No therapy can prepare you for this. But I think you’re doing great.” That was exactly what I needed to hear.
  • Met with my best friend for thirty years after a long time, and it was like we spoke just yesterday. I am very thankful for this strong bond between us.
  • Talked to my therapist for the first time since my hospital stay. He reassured me I am doing well and that things will become easier. His advice was to keep on doing what I am doing, and to remember that slow and steady wins the race. It was good to hear this.
  • Had some quality time with my husband. This makes us both feel validated and loved.
  • Met a woman who was in group OT with me and I haven’t seen in months. She said I was looking good. She has seen me at my worst, so this was a nice compliment.
  • Had a small setback, which made me feel very sad and worthless. But the good thing is, it only lasted a few hours. I can live with that. 
  • The shelter dog we take with us for a walk every Saturday has not one, but two nice potential candidates who want to adopt him. Both of them wanted to meet us and talk to us, because we know Truman. We appreciate their efforts and of course are very willing to help.
  • My OT therapist told me I can resume with my single OT sessions next week. I am looking forward to this!
Friendly Fill-Ins Week 129

Friendly Fill-Ins Week 129

I again participate in the Friendly Fill-Ins, hosted by Four-LeggedFurballs and 15andmeowing . So . So So here we go:

1. One can make life a lot more pleasant for everyone by being mindful for those around us. This often is about the little things, so I try it every day.
2. Given the choice of living with pets or having a spotless house, I would pick my pets every time. They make us so happy.
3. Walking our dogs makes me feel like we go on a big adventure together every time. We are a team and look out for each other.
4. I never go a day without cuddling and telling every member of our pack I love them.

Feline Friday 21

Feline Friday 21

Fall has caught up with us, and the colder weather convinced Jackie to spend more time indoors. Her favorite place is our bed, my side of the bed to be exact. She doesn’t care if one of the humans is in bed as well. But she loves to cuddle if me or my husband join her. And I have to admit: A purring Jackie is more effective than every sleeping pill.

Almost thirty years

Almost thirty years

Yesterday was a cold and rainy day. But I didn’t care, I met my best friend for breakfast. It had been a long time since our last meeting.

We have known each other for almost thirty years now. School brought us together. We were both outsiders, but we soon understood that we often think alike – and that we have the same dark humor.

We were not always close, but we always stayed in contact. We visited each other in the hospital, we know each other’s parents, we went to concerts together, we were in London, and I lost count how often we had breakfast together.

It may have been a while, but it didn’t feel like it. We talked about cash investments, unwanted hair in our faces, teeth issues, menopause, the perks of being an only child, her wok, our dogs, politics and much more.

When I was on my home, I noticed how our conversations have changed over the years. We used to laugh a lot, but now there’s more depth and seriousness. Life changed us both. But we still have this deep connection. I feel very blessed.

Ten Things of Thankful, Week 43/2018

Ten Things of Thankful, Week 43/2018

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So I proudly join the TToT-community again. Let’s see what I can contribute:

  • I managed to get up at a reasonable time every morning. Ok, two times I was close to saying “who cares”, but I was able to convince myself it is better to get going. And I was very grateful I did!
  • I walked our dogs every day and got plenty of exercise. And I start to notice the walking becomes easier every day. Our daily walks also form a bond between and our dogs, that is an added bonus.
  • Every day I managed to do one hour of chores. I know my back will hurt, no matter what I do or don’t do, but having accomplished something gives me a better feeling. The household isn’t spotless, but clean enough we can invite friends in. That’s enough for now.
  • Every day I served my husband a self-cooked meal. In Germany we have this saying, love goes through¬†the¬†stomach”.¬†This is true for my husband, he appreciates it very much and it makes him feel cared for. It is healthy as well, so I call it win-win.
  • On Saturday, after walking with our “shelter pack”, we had ice cream together, just my husband and me (ok, and the dogs, but they were very well behaved… or tired). I try to have more quality time with him. It feels almost strange, because we didn’t have much of this in the last year. But it surely is nice as well.
  • My mood still is relatively stable. Sometimes I feel sad and shed a few tears, but this is never for long and doesn’t really keep me from doing important things. I can live with this. It’s a far cry from how I felt before my hospital stay.
  • Much of my time I spend caring for others, but I also managed to have my blood sugar tested. Nothing changed, so I can forget about this until next year.
  • I decorated our living room with pumpkins and candles. The dark months may not be so good for my mood, but I like to put ¬†up many candles!
  • My mother made it official in a talk with her superior that she will finally retire next September. She likes her work very much, but now it’s time to spend more time with my father, who is eight years older. I am very relieved its out now!
  • I still get lots of support, online and offline. That makes me thankful, but it also motivates me to go on with my recovery.