It seems I have too many appointments on Thursdays: Group Therapy in the morning, OT relaxation group in the afternoon. Both appointments can’t be rescheduled, both are good for me. But two sessions on one day are too much. The decision is clear: Even without relaxation group, I have two OT-sessions every week, group therapy is only once a week.
Typical me: At first I thought I would be able to do both. As so many times before I had to admit I had bitten off more than I could chew. Well, at least I realise those things quicker now than I did in the past. But I am disappointed by myself anyway.
I don’t like to leave relaxation group. It was good to have this me-time once a week. I knew the people, and I felt at ease and safe with them. Group therapy is more demanding and brings me out of my comfort zone. But maybe this challenge is exactly what I need now and will help me grow. I need a gentle shove sometimes.
But I will always be thankful for this one and a half year in relaxation group. It brought me more tools for my personal tool box, and this is priceless.
Last year was a little bit like this bowl that I made in OT during my last inpatient stay.
I worked on this bowl in six sessions, each session lasted one and a half hour. It was hard, and at the beginning I doubted that my energy and perseverance would be enough. But I found strength in me that I didn’t know I had, and after a rocky start I enjoyed working on it very much. The bowl isn’t finished, and it isn’t perfect, but I don’t mind: It’s the message that counts. I put it on my nightstand, I have my morning medication and my alarm watch in it, and I see it every day.
2019 was a painful and exhausting year. But I also got a lot of help, and I surely learned a lot as well. I changed as a person, and I made changes in my life, so things hopefully will continue to get better. But right now I enjoy some quiet days and try to recharge.
I finally finished my part of the mosaic. We started planning this project in January – almost six months ago, and there are still some small things to do.
It was a difficult time. Soon I recognized making a mosaic isn’t my favorite thing to do. I have almost no control over how the glass breaks. And I like having control. This doesn’t match.
There were times when I just wanted to give up. My life is hard enough as it is, I don’t need this on top of everything, or do I? Wouldn’t it be better to focus on the nice aspects of life and save my energy? Another member of he group quit after a few months, and this made me want to throw in the towel as well.
And still. I want to finish what I start. In the past, I often didn’t know when to stop. This lead to lots of frustration, and I try to learn from that and avoid it.
I was so afraid to repeat mistakes of the past, that I almost made a new mistake in the present. I wrote here about how the mosaic became fun, once I let go of my perfectionism.
I learned from that I should be careful when it comes to these kinds of decisions. Sometimes you just need to give things an opportunity to get better after they start poorly.
We are working on a mosaic in group OT. Each of us works on a part, and when the parts are put together, you see a wind rose. It is a lengthy procedure that requieres a lot of patience. The upper picture is taken before, the lower picture after the last session. It is very obvious I will not be finished soon.
After a few sessions I lost the interest and just wanted to stop working on it. Now I found out why: I am not very patient with myself, even though I am very patient where other people are concerned. I expect from myself that I get everything done NOW. I don’t care about the circumstances (for instance, I don’t know beforehand how the tiles will break – I just have to look for the right space for every piece).
It’s always amazing how OT mirrors life.
My aim for the next sessions will be to be kinder to myself and just enjoy this tricky puzzle game. Maybe I even can bring this attitude into my everyday life.
Friday I started to make appointments. I was afraid this would make my agenda very full. But on one hand, my GP, pain doctor and therapist are on holiday. On the other hand, one group at Occupational Therapy was cancelled, and there are no single OT sessions availible until November. So I will still have a little more time on my hands for now.
I am enjoying these wonderful sunny fall days. The good weather makes it easy for me to use my new all-purpose weapon walking. To keep moving helps me fight depression, anxiety and back pain. But right now my main concern is getting fit again. One year almost spent lying around didn’t help.
I noticed that I am a lot more active than before my hospital stay. Getting up in the morning is quite easy, and I manage to stick to my goals. If that means I have to take a break, so be it. And my goals are realistic.
So I had a good start. Now I have to keep it up to get really used to my new routines. I hope I have enough self discipline for that.
Tomorrow I will see my podologist and go to an OT group that practices relaxation techniques. This should not stress me out, and I should be able to squeeze in an hour of doing chores. And that will be all.
Surprisingly everything goes smoothly. The new hospital called today, I will be admitted next Thursday (16.8.).
I and everybody around me think this is a good thing.
Now I have a week to bring everything in order and pack my things. That’s plenty of time, and unfortunately I am a seasoned things-needed-for-a-hospital-stay packer.
This week I have cancelled all my occupational therapy sessions, I needed the quiet. I will do the same next week, because there are things to do.
In Today’s OT session, I started to draw a lynx with window colors.
While talking in DBT, my therapist once asked me which totem animal I would choose. Without thinking, I thought of a lynx.
The lynx as a totem animal is said to help with discovering hidden things and finding the truth.
If this is true, I indeed need a lynx to guide me 🙂.
After ten sessions, I finally finished my silk pillowcase. In the middle are full circles, in the corners quarter circles. On one side, I worked with red colors, on the other side with green hues. The quarter circles are painted in the colors of the big circles on the other side.
I didn’t like silk painting very much. Even though I used liner between the color, the colors often mixed. I hate this, but I was told this often happens with silk painting.
The demon perfectionism had a field day. He thinks, even a child a kindergarten could have done this better.
Today I started my next project, a wooden filing tray. We will see how this turns out.
Today we started OT with a round of progressive muscle relaxation. After that, we had coffee and sweets and discussed what we will do next.
We didn’t do anything creative today, but nobody wanted to leave. We are a wonderful group, we just connect to each other.
It looks like the relaxation group can start in three or four weeks, so everything goes according to plan.
Aside from the demon self-hatred, the demon called perfectionism bothers me the most.
An example is the picture above, I finished it today in OT-group. Most of the group members like it, I only see many little flaws and hate it.
The picture will go to another participant of the group, I wouldn’t have taken it home, I would have thrown it away immedeately.
I have been working on my perfectionism issues for quite a long time, but this demon is really hard to beat.