Today I drew this picture in creative therapy, in which I am standing at a wall. With wide spread arms I try to hold the wall in place. I am afraid to let go, because the wall will crush me if it breaks down.
The wall, that are the many small and big things life put in my way.
Therapist: How did you get there? Did somebody tell you to do so, or did you go there because you wanted to?
Me: Life put me there! I didn’t go there because I wanted to.
Therapist: *smirks* That’s good to hear!
Nontheless turning around and leaving the wall is difficult. If it’s not my task to hold the wall in place, what else should I be doing?
Surprisingly everything goes smoothly. The new hospital called today, I will be admitted next Thursday (16.8.).
I and everybody around me think this is a good thing.
Now I have a week to bring everything in order and pack my things. That’s plenty of time, and unfortunately I am a seasoned things-needed-for-a-hospital-stay packer.
This week I have cancelled all my occupational therapy sessions, I needed the quiet. I will do the same next week, because there are things to do.
In Today’s OT session, I started to draw a lynx with window colors.
While talking in DBT, my therapist once asked me which totem animal I would choose. Without thinking, I thought of a lynx.
The lynx as a totem animal is said to help with discovering hidden things and finding the truth.
If this is true, I indeed need a lynx to guide me 🙂.
After ten sessions, I finally finished my silk pillowcase. In the middle are full circles, in the corners quarter circles. On one side, I worked with red colors, on the other side with green hues. The quarter circles are painted in the colors of the big circles on the other side.
I didn’t like silk painting very much. Even though I used liner between the color, the colors often mixed. I hate this, but I was told this often happens with silk painting.
The demon perfectionism had a field day. He thinks, even a child a kindergarten could have done this better.
Today I started my next project, a wooden filing tray. We will see how this turns out.
Today we started OT with a round of progressive muscle relaxation. After that, we had coffee and sweets and discussed what we will do next.
We didn’t do anything creative today, but nobody wanted to leave. We are a wonderful group, we just connect to each other.
It looks like the relaxation group can start in three or four weeks, so everything goes according to plan.
Aside from the demon self-hatred, the demon called perfectionism bothers me the most.
An example is the picture above, I finished it today in OT-group. Most of the group members like it, I only see many little flaws and hate it.
The picture will go to another participant of the group, I wouldn’t have taken it home, I would have thrown it away immedeately.
I have been working on my perfectionism issues for quite a long time, but this demon is really hard to beat.
Well, I may not be the greatest silk painting artist, but I am fascinated by circles. We will see how it looks when it is finished. It is a pillow, 40×40 cm.
What I noticed recently: In our OT group are three people that suffered from cancer at a relatively young age. We are talking about brain tumor, cancer of the small intestine and my melanoma.
It is understandable that suffering from cancer is something difficult to cope with. But we all agree on the fact that there is very little support for middle-aged cancer survivors. Depression or anxiety that may follow cancer can be treated, of course. But this is where it stops.
Things may get very difficult where work is concerned. The employment center scratches its head and offers Job Application Training. I had to go through this myself and now what I am talking about. Those who can’t go on with their work like before, but are too “fit” to file for disability, are affected worst.
But this is just more point in which I want our society to be more compassionate and understanding. Everyone can become an cancer patient one day.