Every Morning…

… we are supposed to take a walk before breakfast. I don’t always feel like it, but it’s a good way to start the day.

Between breakfast and the first therapy of the day I usually get my daily rTMS treatment. So far I have had seven, a complete cycle consists of 15 or better 20 treatments.

The art therapist thinks she can help me, so I joined the sculpture group and I have single art therapy as well. My days are full, in the evening I am often so tired that there’s no energy left for blogging.

Right now a lot is going on in my head, but this is to be expected and will hopefully stop as therapy continues. Until then I try to keep up reading your blogs at least.

rTMS

…or “repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation” is called what I started today. A specific part of the brain is subjected to a magnetic field in order to stimulate brain activity. It is a new therapy that is used to treat depression that does not or barely react to medication.

I knew this treatment is painfree and rarely has any side effects. I was a little bit afraid anyway. But the staff helped me through it, and next time I know what to expect. Each treatment lasts about 15 minutes. The plan is to have a treatment on each working day for the next weeks.

We will see if it helps me to get better.

It sucks… continued

Yesterday I went to the psychiatric institutional outpatient’s department again to talk them out of admitting me for my med cange. But the colleague of my psychiatrist also recommended a inpatient stay. Well, then this is how it should be handled, I think. On a positive note, they were able to offer me a quick admission date, so treatment will start on Friday.

I am thinking about one thing the doctor said: “You always wait so long before you do something!”

Well, that’s right. For the last weeks I have been watching my energy disappear, finding thousands of excuses instead of looking for help. Typical me.

I am still somehow shocked. At the same time I am preparing everything. I will follow your blogs as I can, we will see how often I will be able to post something. The first weekend I have to stay on the ward, after that I will go home from Saturday to Sunday at least.

Another anniversary

Five years ago I went to work for the last time. When I left work this day, I knew: This is it, I can’t do this anymore.

I didn’t feel much, emotions would come later. On this day, I just felt numb.

On this day, I finally admitted to myself how strong my depression was.

On this day, my new life begun.

My heart…

… feels like it is torn apart today.

The In-Laws are celebrating my parents-in-law’s gold wedding and the first birthday of their grandchild.

I can’t join them. The little one brings up all kind of painful feelings, because we don’t have children.

My psychiatrist says this will pass, and that time is on my side.

But it doesn’t feel this way. Today it feels like the pain will never stop, and depression and the thought I am a failure are all that’s on my mind.

It’s a good thing the furbabies are with me. I took them for a short walk and fed them, they are with me in the living room and anchor me to reality.

Getting my priorities straight

Right now we are working on our terrace, so the basement doesn’t get wet. My husband suggested I clean the decking tiles with a high pressure cleaner before he takes them down. I liked the idea very much, because it gives me the oppurtunity to contribute to this project – with many things I can’t help because of my back.

Turned out it wasn’t as easy as I thought. Standing for a long time bent over is not very comfortable for my back. Soon I realized I would need many breaks and time, and that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with all the chores. This annoyed me, but I couldn’t help it.

Somehow I grudgingly accepted I can’t do everything, and my husband agreed as well. I will just do the basic chores and clean everything thoroughly next week. We want to finish working on the terrace as soon as possible, because we want to sit outside this summer after all!

As you can see in the picture above, cleaning the decking tiles was absolutely necessary. It was hard work, but it was fun as well. So it was absolutely worth to change plans and get my priorities straight.

 

I’d like…

… to blog more often. It’s not that I have no ideas. I started several entries, but they were not good enough in my opinion. Someday I will hopefully edit, like and publish them.

Right now I am struggling to keep up with my daily chores and I am relieved when they are done. I am glad I still get some things done – it could be so much worse. I hope “so much worse” will not happen.

These slumps are probably normal, but it’s never easy for me to just accept them and go on. I very easily start to panic, because I know how bad things can get.

So I try to stay calm and avoid collateral damage. Lows aren’t pretty, but my mind knows they will be followed by better times. Now I just need to convince myself and feel like it.