Right now, I am suffering from massive mood swings. Everything is alright one moment, and one second later everything is dark.
I am not able to cope with this, and neither are the people around me. This makes me feel like the worst person on earth, and I lose every hope things will get better.
I know I am not alone, but it feels like it.
Today would have been my appointment at another hospital concerning inpatient treatment because of my depression / psychosomatic issues.
When I got there, I was told the appointment had been postponed to next Wednesday. But somehow I wasn’t told about this.
My energy level is always low, I had spent one and a half hour with getting there by public transport and was tired, it was hot… I nearly started crying.
Good thing I was near my parents’ appartment, so I met with my father and we had a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe. I felt better afterwards.
I’ll try again last week.
Today I had the rare feeling of having energy left. So I had the strength to take a long walk with my husband, our dogs, a voluntary worker from the shelter, her dog, and a shelter dog. Three humans and four dogs were a chipper mix.
We had ice cream near a busy street, and all dogs behaved wonderfully.
I think, using my energy to get moving was a good idea. But now I am tired, and I will spend the rest of the evening doing nothing.
I know that I am very lucky to have people around me who care and just won’t give up.
I am very grateful for that, but I am very aware of the fact that even friends and relatives need time to recharge. I encourage them to do so.
One of my husband’s hobbies is fishing. He started it in his teen years. He loves to spend a few days on the water with his brother or friends. He says it gives him a feeling of calm, peace and freedom. When he comes home after a fishing trip, he is very relaxed.
He needs this, and I am happy for him. But it es hard for me when he is away. I then realize how much I need him.
My parents like to travel. They like to see how people live in other places of the world. When they come home, they tell me with shining eyes what they have experienced. But it is hard for me when they are wider away than a call.
My job, when my loved ones are away: Taking care of myself. A hysteric call from me could destroy everything for them. Sometimes this is very difficult for me. But it helps I have places I can go to, and it helps that at least one furbaby is always by my side.
While I am accompanied by many demons when I am outside, there is only one of them with me when I am inside. But this is the worst one: Self-hatred.
He is very persistent, and he knows how he can torture me the best. He follows me around all day long, and often at night as well.
Today in therapy we tried visualisation. I was told to imagine the demon in my head and to talk to him. I realized that there are things I like I like about this demon as well. He is absolutely reliable, he doesn’t change his rules. But I also think he judges me to harshly. My life wasn’t always like this, and I was able to keep up with the “normal world” for nearly four decades, despite my psychological and physical issues.
I was told to push the demon away from me, and at the end of the session he wasn’t black anymore, rather grey.
That doesn’t change the fact that I still suffer from this demon. But maybe I have a say in some things!
After the blow to my stomach yesterday, I felt empty, numb and zombie like today.
The important people in my life know what has happened. Everybody was so sympathetic and encouraging. I am grateful for that.
Nevertheless I move through this day like a robot. But luckily I still am able to function in this mode. So I accepted a parcel for the neighbors, went to OT group, cooked… and stared many holes in the ceiling.
Hello life, will I be allowed to play along again tomorrow?
Yesterday was the quaterly meeting with my psychiatrist at the psychiatric institutional outpatients’ department (PIA) of my local hospital. I am aware of the fact that I am not well at the moment, but I never would have expected that the doctor suggested another inpatient treatment.
The last inpatient treatment was six months ago. That’s not a long time, and a new record for me. Last autumn, Sammy just had left for the Rainbow Bridge, this time my sister-in-law is pregnant. One part of me states very matter-of-factly: “This is life.” Absolutely right, would not the rest of me hide screaming and crying in a corner.
There also is a feeling of failure. Did I learn nothing from the past and therapies, so that I find myself in this dark place again? “Back to square one” can be a very painful feeling.
My heart feels very tight and constricted right now. It was a good idea to express this in a picture.
I am not sure if I will really follow through with the inpatient treatment. I am very doubtful if this can help, and if can pull through this hard time once more. My husband says: “It’s better than doing nothing.” Nevertheless I am very tempted to just grab my phone and call everything off.
Anyway, this doctor’s appointment was a blow to the stomach, and it fades very slowly. It gave me plenty to think.
