Try and error…

… was my husband’s comment on his birthday party.

I would have called it a disaster. My sister-in-law entered the living room, her six month old baby on her arm, and I just broke down. I waved goodbye, said I would be upstairs, and fled – into the arms of my dubious friend, the razor blade. After that, I took my as-needed-med and went to bed.

Later, my mother came to check on me and suggested we take a walk. So I changed and we walked through the rainy night for about fifteen minutes. This calmed me down. Then my mother went back to the party and I went to bed.

On Sunday I just felt miserable and stayed in bed.

Yesterday I felt at least a little bit better. But I knew I need some rest. So I cancelled the OT appointments for this week. I just want to calm down.

Today was even better. I put on make up, went grocery shopping and took a break having coffee and cake, before I drove back home.

It also helps that I started my usual “tour de chores” yesterday, like I do every Monday. With every room I clean, I get a little bit of safety back.

And to come back to my husband’s comment: At least I know for sure that I still am not ready to have contact with the baby. The uncertainty before was way worse. Everybody in the family knows where we stand. Everybody knows I need more time. This clarity is a good thing, despite all the pain.

But right know, I need some rest to regain my equilibrium. I have no doubt I will get better, but I need to take it easy this week. Wish me luck!

 

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Tired and stressed

This Saturday our house will be full of family (including the baby), and we will celebrate my husband’s birthday. I was hoping my anxiety level would go down, but this didn’t happen.

When I talked to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, we agreed I should try a new as-needed med to calm me down (it’s an antipsychotic and not habit-forming).  Right now, I  couldn’t do without it. I am still trying to figure out with dose works best for me. It doesn’t help when I feel “comfortably numb”, but can’t get out of the bed.

If I could make a wish, tomorrow would be Sunday, but of course it doesn’t work this way. I also am afraid that I crash hard after the party, but of course I don’t know that yet.

Right now I just try to keep going, but it’s hard.

Rising anxiety level

My husband’s birthday party on March 2nd is approaching. I feel more anxious and tense every day, and I am getting more and more insecure if I can deal with it.

I try to distract myself – and it works for a few hours. On Sunday I went to a charity event for listed dogs (potentially dangerous dogs of certain “listed” breeds) with a friend. The weather was nice, we met friendly people, I got to understand our dog Sam a little bit better, and we just had a wonderful girl’s day out. Spontaneously we agreed that I will accompany our friend and her dog to a training session tomorrow and film everything. This will be a great day as well. Sitting on the couch thinking won’t help me, this much I know.

Next week will be busy. On his birthday my husband wants to take cake to work for his colleagues – these guys always are hungry, so I will have to bake three cakes. On the evening of the birthday we will eat at a chinese restaurant, this is our date night in Februrary. At this day I will skip OT, it would be too much.

The rest of the week will be filled with chores, shopping, OT and preperations. I hope, a little distraction will keep my anxiety at a reasonable level. Because somehow I have to pass the time and keep my inner demons at bay.

 

Between a rock and a hard place

Planning my husband’s birthday party caused many emotions to come up. Of course my biggest concern is meeting the baby.

I discussed this issue several times with different people. Basically, it comes down to this: Nobody can predict what will happen, and it is my choice. I can’t rely on my gut feeling – my anxiety disorder often tricked me into thinking things were much worse than they turned out to be in reality. My depression whispers in my ear that everything will go wrong. And my Borderline personality disorder laughs in my face and says I am just a little piece of shit anyway. Another part of me is tired of this negativity and doesn’t want to believe everything is so hopeless.

My idea was that I prepare everything for the party, stay at a hotel overnight and come home again when everything is over. This isn’t what my husband has in mind: He doesn’t want to have a birthday party without me. When I am not able to attend, he doesn’t want to have a party at all. And this a terrible thought for me – he didn’t have a birthday party last year, because I felt so depressed. And I know how much he enjoys to have his family around.

So we had to find another solution. My husband asked, if it was enough for me when I retreat to the rooms upstairs in case I feel overwhelmed. I said: Yes, but it has to be clear that everybody has to leave me alone when this happens.

“Your mother will want to check on you”, he said.

“That is something different!” I said, because my parents really have seen me at my worst by now.

“And I also would like to check on you”, he added.

“This is something different as well!” I replied, because… well, see above

One thing is for sure: I felt my husband tried to understand me, and we tried to find for both of us. This is how it should be in a marriage, but it wasn’t always for us, because I often wanted to solve everything by myself. That it was different this time is progress, I guess.

But I am still afraid that I could be absolutely overwhelmed with this siuation. Crossing this bridge takes a lot of strength from me.

Christmaschaos

Christmas is almost here, and with each passing day I am feeling worse. I am angry with myself.

I spent a great deal of this year working on my issues concerning involuntary childlessness, which were triggered by the pregnancy of my sister-in-law. But to be honest, I am still not ready to spend Christmas with the in-laws.

My biggest fear is pushing myself too far and undoing months of hard work in therapy. When I told my psychiatrist and therapist about this, both told me this is a possibility, and that I should be very careful.

Today is the 18th anniversary of my grandmother’s death. She died of cancer in the same year I was diagnosed with melanoma. I will never forget our last meeting, in which she looked already very ill.

When I talked to my mother earlier today, she told me my uncle (her brother) died yesterday. He had been ill for a long time, and his health had been worsening for months. We weren’t that close, but it hurts nonetheless. I am very grateful he left this world in peace, and that he was loved and taken care of by his wife and his daughter until the very end. And I am grateful that my mother copes quite well for now: Of course she is sad, but she is also relieved that her brother doesn’t suffer anymore, and that the two of them had a good relationship for the last decade (what wasn’t always the case).

But nevertheless we will gather together tomorrow and celebrate life.

 

Depression and sense of time

When I filed our documents last week, I noticed how much depression changed my sense of time in the last year.

I had presorted the documents in a folder, but that was all I did – I didn’t touch them again for a year (!). I wasn’t aware how many time had passed, but the facts can’t be denied. We were really lucky nothing really bad happened – it was annoying I forgot to arrange the advance payments for our income tax, but the only consequence was a late payment charge. Apart from that, all bills and direct debits were paid, and our bank accounts never were overdrawn. Sometimes my husband nudged me and told me what to do. I know people who completely lost control over these matters while they suffered from depression.

When I was really bad, every day went by in a grey haze. I have a hard time really remembering events and not just read my calendar.

Now everything is different, not always pink, but colorful at least. Nevertheless I feel like I lost a year in the fog of depression. As if there were times in which I haven’t really lived.

Acceptance…

…is an important thing when it comes to handling the rough parts of life. Acceptance also is one of my biggest challenges. I rarely take life as it is.

During the last days I wanted to finish decluttering my clothes. As shown above, there were lots of clothes that I had to admit I will never wear again. Because a) they don’t fit anymore, or b) I won’t have an opportunity to wear them anymore. The clothes still were in good shape, so I donated them.

I had hoped for relief. Instead, I felt sadness, despair and hopelessness. I was sad, because I never will dress up in the morning and go into work. I felt despair, because I am so limited due to my physical and mental problems. I felt hopeless, because I can’t plan ahead at the moment and have to take each day as it comes.

I will have to deal with these issues in the next weeks, and hopefully finally find peace. But the most important thing: Everyday life still runs smoothly. I walk the dogs, do chores and go to my therapy sessions. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment.