My 47th Birthday

My 47th Birthday


My Birthday was as quiet as I wanted it to be. I had ice cream with my father (we usually have cake, but it was too hot for this).

I was delighted so many people remembered my Birthday and took the time to congratulate me. It really touched me – so many people wish me well. It was heart warming.

As a grown-up Birthday Girl I can make my own Birtday cake (I like this part!). It is – of course – egg liqueur cake. My husband will take to work tomorrow what it left. Usually, home-baked cake doesn’t make it past breakfast 😀

For now I am very relieved everything went well. And I have the good feeling that I CAN indeed change things.


Birthday blues

Birthday blues


With the end of May comes my birthday. This year I don’t feel like celebrating. This may be due to the fact that I am just feeling very blue at the moment. My worst case scenario is that everybody comes to party, while I am sobbing. This is not as unlikely as it may sound. I have shed tears over this thought and told my husband: “I wish my birthday didn’t exist!”


Well, I don’t live alone on an island, and there are dear people who WANT to celebrate my birthday with me. With those dear people, I agreed on celebrating later, when I feel better. It may not be my actual birthday then, but the mood will be right. On my actual birthday I will meet my father, and this will be it.

To tell other people I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday was hard. But I also want to listen to my heart and my feelings and not neglect them. So I think celebrating later is a good compromise.


Birthday wishes

Birthday wishes

A german birthday card. On the upper half, a cat holds a mouse and a german idiom is quoted. “Ein paar Mäuse tun immer gut”, “It’s always good to have a few mice”. Meaning “It’s always good to have some money”. In the lower part is an extra envelope in which you can put bills. The german “Gönn’ dir was!” means “Give yourself a treat”.

A few minutes ago you let me know that there a only two pieces left of the cakes I made yesterday, and that they were delicious. I was very relieved to hear this, and I gave myself a pat on the shoulder for getting through Yesterday.

This morning I gave you a birthday card with some money in it. You wanted money, because there a some things you need to buy for the upcoming fishing/model building season.

I wish I would have been able to put more money in this envelope, but of course money is tight since I stopped working. You never complained about this.

I wish I could be there for you more often, but I am so busy fighting my demons. You shouldn’t need to console me when I am crying, repeating “I want to die! I want to be with Sammy!” for hours. You shouldn’t have to worry about me, because I have anxiety attacks and want to self harm. You shouldn’t need to think about how my walker fits best in the car. You shouldn’t have to be alone for weeks, because I need another inpatient stay on the psychiatric ward. But you are very loyal to me, your family and friends. You do what you can do.

I wish I could share the burden you have to carry. I see how tired you are when you come home from work, and at home there is more responsibilty to bear now. And there is your wife, always tired, who barely manages to cook a decent meal.

I wish I could make all of your dreams come true, you deserve it. We will have to settle for the little things, though. But you can be sure of that: I am so very grateful for everything you do for me. And I will keep on trying to make very many little things possible for you.

Bake, bake a cake

Bake, bake a cake

(The title refers to a german children’s song)

Days like today are hard. The days I put a lot of pressure on myself (we could have bought cake, after all). The days I know that what I start today has to be finished the same day (birthdays can’t be postponed to another date). The days that I know will be exhausting (my back doesn’t like sitting or standing for hours).

Tomorrow will be my husband’s birthday. For my sake, he didn’t invite friends and family to come over, because I really am not up to it right now. I want him at least to have a good time with his colleagues tomorrow. I want to do at least this for him.

It was as bad as I expected it to be. After standing in the kitchen for an hour, my back screamed bloody murder. My brain was foggy, I don’t know I often I had to read the instructions. And when I looked around after everything was finished, seeing the usual chaos of dirty bowls, sticky egg shells and burnt baking moulds, thinking “I should really clean everything up now, because I will have to cook later” I just wanted to scream, or cry.

But somehow I managed to pull through. My husband can present his colleagues with an eggnog ring cake, a cake resembling cow fur (white spots on chocolate dough), and a crumble cherry pie tomorrow. Eggnog and crumble cherry are his favourite, he let me choose the third.

The only thing left to do is signing the birthday card. Then everything is set for the big day.