I know I have posted this picture – unedited – earlier, but I want to add something.
This is the way Jackie looks at me when she feels something is off, or when she senses I am really in a bad mood. She loves her daily strolls in the garden, she may be fiercely independent – but she also loves her humans and reacts to our moods.
When we argue and talk loudly, she walks away. When everything is alright, she joins us, lays down on her favorite human pillow and starts to purr. When something is wrong, she is restless, doesn’t settle down and takes a very good look. And most important, she stays with us.
Feeling this connection mostly has a very calming effect on me, and it has prevented me from doing stupid things so often I lost count. I think sometimes our pets feel more responsible for our wellbeing than other humans.
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist for our quarterly appointment. Our last meeting wasn’t so great, but I think it wasn’t easy to help me back then… I think everything I said was: “My life just sucks big time!”
This time I could tell her I still walk our dogs every day, and that I do chores every day as well. When I remarked this new life still isn’t easy for me, she told me this: Our brain needs at least for weeks until it starts to register new routines. So I just shall go on with what I am doing, and I am to keep in mind that this still is just the beginning. Well, this is good to know.
Another problem is that I don’t sleep very well right now. She suggested I take my as-needed med every evening for a few days, and then go to bed without it again. Sleep is very important for me, especially for my back pain. My as-needed med is not habit forming, so I will do as she said.
I am also very anxious where celebrating Christmas with my in-laws is concerned. Will I be able to deal with seeing the baby, or will it be just too much… She said I should not think about this too much at the moment: Nobody knows how I will feel in five weeks, I really can’t decide about this now. She also arranged a meeting with one of the psychologists for me on December 20, so I can discuss my feelings again when it matters. I think this is a really good idea.
After I discussed all this with my husband, a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am going in the right direction, I will continue to work hard, and I will deal with Christmas later. All that matters now is building up self confidence, a little more every day.
After a setback in the middle of the week, I am almost back to my normal self again. My inner compass works quite well.
I learned a lot. Most important: There are other people who are willing to help me, I am not alone in this fight. I am very thankful for that!
On the plus side: Everyday life went on. I avoided creating more problems because of chores piling up, and I didn’t hide in bed. And: I took my as-needed med responsibly and didn’t use it to escape from the situation. Probably the best: I stayed away from self harm, even though I really wanted to.
Maybe these were new skills I learned during my hospital stay. I listen to myself and my needs, and I stand up for myself if necessary. It’s okay if my extended family has to get used to this. But I will continue to guard my boundaries. I am still on my way to recovery, and I am moving in the right direction.
There is one thing I can do better next time: Try not to panic and have more faith in my ability to deal with the situation. This needs to become my new normal mind set. But all in all, I am satisfied with my crisis management.
When I am told something I often feel that I must DO something about this, even if I am just given bare facts. To make the right decision is often difficult for me.
So I start too many things, barely manage to finish a few of them, and feel absolutely beaten when I think about the many things I still have to do.
I am working on a kind of filter that helps me focus on the really important things. Right now, this filter doesn’t work as good as I need it to be.
But I am sure that working on this will pay off.
Our router died through the last thunder and lightning 😦 Blogging will have to wait until this problem is solved.
See you soon (hopefully)
Each time someone stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.
~ Robert F. Kennedy ~
This is one thing I really believe in. A small ripple does not stay insignificant: It spreads out, and so it reaches many people while getting farther and farther away from its starting point. It touches people. It can carry them along. So, be the one who starts another ripple of hope. You don’t know how many will be encouraged to do the same because YOUR ripple nudged them.
I found the idea of sparks at McGuffy’s Reader
Basically it’s all about making the world a better place by spreading positive thoughts. This is my contribution.