Back and forth

Back and forth

I hope you had a good start into 2021. NYE was quiet here, and the furbabies enjoyed that there were less fireworks.

Right now my thoughts are constantly jumping from past to present to future and vice versa. Mostly I’m just watching, I know this will stop and I will finally arrive in the present time again. But sometimes I have to be mindful when the demons from the past rear their ugly heads.

Again and again my thoughts stop at a very bad time twelve years ago. I was really in a dark place back then, I suffered from debilating panic attacks and had the impression no doctor really wanted to help me. My GP told me there was nothing he could do for me. The first neurologist/psychiatrist handed me a prescription, told me just to get back to work and forbade me to go to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital. I called him several times, I was really desperate, the med made me feel even worse and I had definitely reached my breaking point. He didn’t budge, I felt misunderstood and left alone for weeks.

Finally I did what he had told me not to do and went to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital. More than once. But eventually I was put on the waiting list for inpatient treatment, and I was put on sick leave until then. That was a big relief, even if it didn’t help with the panic attacks per se.

My boss started pressuring me about when I would come back to work. I told him that I couldn’t answer that question, because I was still waiting for my treatment in the hospital. He didn’t accept that and kept asking.

Looking back the worst was the feeling of forlornness. The doctor, who stuck to his routine. The boss who wouldn’t stop calling me and only cared about work, but not about me. When I needed understanding and protectetion the most, my doctor and my boss didn’t seem to care. These weeks were hard.

I found my way out. I limited communication to my employer as much as I could, I found doctors who helped me. I learned to stand up for myself when I was at my worst.

I try to figure out why I am thinking about this so often now. Maybe it’s about making another step forwards on my journey and leave the past behind again.


12 thoughts on “Back and forth

  1. Hello Viola

    Thank you so much for your dear message a few days ago – it really meant a lot to me. I hope you and your husband, and the dogs, had an enjoyable Christmas, as was possible under the difficult virus restrictions. I hope this Covid-thing isn’t impacting too badly on your health… These are indeed difficult times for mental health.

    We had a quiet Christmas. No snow in Norfolk, just some snowflakes! I miss the German Christmas markets you folk do so well. (Used to favour the one in Speyer).

    I’m sad we are no longer part of the EU. I lived so long in Germany, the country is my 2nd home.

    My 80-something year old mum had her first part of the vaccine with the 2nd part coming up in February. Already, her 2nd vaccine was cancelled this month due to the government then changing their minds about bringing the vaccine to more people – hence the longer wait for the second part.

    I often go back in my mind to try and make sense of certain things. And, of course, there is no real sense to be made of some things. Life can just be cruel at times.

    I wish you all the best, and hope, at least, that this thinking of the past aids you in some way.

    Love your WP friend in England. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you responded, because I was really worried.

      Christmas was a quiet affair here as well, we didn’t see all of my husband’s family, but we were not alone in this.

      So far I’m doing ok, and I hope you are doing well as well. Corona is hard for so many of us, and it doesn’t help us who already deal with mental issues.

      Brexit made me sad. I spent so many good times in London, it’s a pity travelling to England will be more difficult in the future.

      At least vaccinations started earlier in your country, we are weeks behind here. Let’s hope this is a big step out of this Corona mess.

      Like you say, some things from the past will just stay with us, no matter how bad.

      Wishing you well, and sending love back to you xo.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I find thinking of what’s good in my life – the blessings – helps. Thanks for your kindness Viola. I think of you and my other WP friends, I wonder how you are. I’m just not that great about keeping in contact these days… xox

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish for you a Good Year ahead, with Better Health. Taking Care of oneself is Important. One has to be Healthy to go for work. I wish people are more understanding. After all this health issues are everywhere. Wishing You well ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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