Back and forth

I hope you had a good start into 2021. NYE was quiet here, and the furbabies enjoyed that there were less fireworks.

Right now my thoughts are constantly jumping from past to present to future and vice versa. Mostly I’m just watching, I know this will stop and I will finally arrive in the present time again. But sometimes I have to be mindful when the demons from the past rear their ugly heads.

Again and again my thoughts stop at a very bad time twelve years ago. I was really in a dark place back then, I suffered from debilating panic attacks and had the impression no doctor really wanted to help me. My GP told me there was nothing he could do for me. The first neurologist/psychiatrist handed me a prescription, told me just to get back to work and forbade me to go to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital. I called him several times, I was really desperate, the med made me feel even worse and I had definitely reached my breaking point. He didn’t budge, I felt misunderstood and left alone for weeks.

Finally I did what he had told me not to do and went to the outpatient clinic at the local hospital. More than once. But eventually I was put on the waiting list for inpatient treatment, and I was put on sick leave until then. That was a big relief, even if it didn’t help with the panic attacks per se.

My boss started pressuring me about when I would come back to work. I told him that I couldn’t answer that question, because I was still waiting for my treatment in the hospital. He didn’t accept that and kept asking.

Looking back the worst was the feeling of forlornness. The doctor, who stuck to his routine. The boss who wouldn’t stop calling me and only cared about work, but not about me. When I needed understanding and protectetion the most, my doctor and my boss didn’t seem to care. These weeks were hard.

I found my way out. I limited communication to my employer as much as I could, I found doctors who helped me. I learned to stand up for myself when I was at my worst.

I try to figure out why I am thinking about this so often now. Maybe it’s about making another step forwards on my journey and leave the past behind again.