“But there is a place in my heart /Where nothing blooms anymore”

(↑ Ricarda Huch, “Nicht alle Schmerzen sind heilbar…” – “Some pains are incurable”? I didn’t find an english version of this wonderful poem).

Saturday we celebrated my husband’s 50th birthday. Two guests even brought flowers for me (picture above), this was nice.

I had lots of help, our mothers and our friend brought something to eat as well. Not all of the guests had met before, but everyone got along so well.

The little niece was there as well, and she is really great. She is curious, but also calm and balanced. And still… Seeing her with my husband caused me almost unbearable pain. Seeing her with my mother hurt so much. Seeing what I will never have was so cruel and brough up so many dark feelings in me.

But there was also a wonderful moment in the kitchen with my mother, when I told her how hard everything was for me. She put her arms around me, held me tight and said: “You are the number one in my heart!” I needed to hear this so much, and I told her so.

Yesterday and today were a complete write-off. I was shaken by grief and tears, and my back hurt very much as well. My husband was surprised, to him it seemed everthing was alright at the party (I can be a good actress, if need be. And Saturday my husband having a great time was my top priority). Talking to him openly yesterday and today helped a great deal. But it will take a while until everything is back to normal.

In me is an open wound that doesn’t heal. The quote from Ricarda Huch describes it so well. Today I made it to the dentist, where I had an appointment, and tomorrow I want to go to OT group. Not surrendering everything to the pain is my goal for the next days.