Try and error…

Try and error…

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… was my husband’s comment on his birthday party.

I would have called it a disaster. My sister-in-law entered the living room, her six month old baby on her arm, and I just broke down. I waved goodbye, said I would be upstairs, and fled – into the arms of my dubious friend, the razor blade. After that, I took my as-needed-med and went to bed.

Later, my mother came to check on me and suggested we take a walk. So I changed and we walked through the rainy night for about fifteen minutes. This calmed me down. Then my mother went back to the party and I went to bed.

On Sunday I just felt miserable and stayed in bed.

Yesterday I felt at least a little bit better. But I knew I need some rest. So I cancelled the OT appointments for this week. I just want to calm down.

Today was even better. I put on make up, went grocery shopping and took a break having coffee and cake, before I drove back home.

It also helps that I started my usual “tour de chores” yesterday, like I do every Monday. With every room I clean, I get a little bit of safety back.

And to come back to my husband’s comment: At least I know for sure that I still am not ready to have contact with the baby. The uncertainty before was way worse. Everybody in the family knows where we stand. Everybody knows I need more time. This clarity is a good thing, despite all the pain.

But right know, I need some rest to regain my equilibrium. I have no doubt I will get better, but I need to take it easy this week. Wish me luck!

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13 thoughts on “Try and error…

  1. Holy moly, a raz… Viola, you scare me. Do not do that. Come on. When the depression kicked back? I thought you went over that. Don’t make me write another Viola the DemonSlayer story, because I will. Don’t tempt me, I got a pen and I am not afraid to use it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Same. But then, I remind myself I don’t want to be that guy and find something to keep me distracted. I got tired by being down all of the time. You’ll find what works for you, just stay focused on finding the solution. Take care, dear. Ich Liebe Dich.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am proud of you for having the party at your house and for trying to attend. It was a huge amount of double stress on both counts. It might have been kinder if they had not brought the baby this time, giving you a chance to meet on your own terms when you feel ready. But the important thing is that the party probably went on fine, and you were able to go out for a walk with your understanding mom, and little by little things are improving this week. Sometimes we have to call something a success because we survived it, and you did it! I am proud of you for being determined to pick up where you left off and go forward again. Hugs! ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

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