Christmas is almost here, and with each passing day I am feeling worse. I am angry with myself.

I spent a great deal of this year working on my issues concerning involuntary childlessness, which were triggered by the pregnancy of my sister-in-law. But to be honest, I am still not ready to spend Christmas with the in-laws.

My biggest fear is pushing myself too far and undoing months of hard work in therapy. When I told my psychiatrist and therapist about this, both told me this is a possibility, and that I should be very careful.

Today is the 18th anniversary of my grandmother’s death. She died of cancer in the same year I was diagnosed with melanoma. I will never forget our last meeting, in which she looked already very ill.

When I talked to my mother earlier today, she told me my uncle (her brother) died yesterday. He had been ill for a long time, and his health had been worsening for months. We weren’t that close, but it hurts nonetheless. I am very grateful he left this world in peace, and that he was loved and taken care of by his wife and his daughter until the very end. And I am grateful that my mother copes quite well for now: Of course she is sad, but she is also relieved that her brother doesn’t suffer anymore, and that the two of them had a good relationship for the last decade (what wasn’t always the case).

But nevertheless we will gather together tomorrow and celebrate life.



9 thoughts on “Christmaschaos

  1. Oh Viola, I’m so sorry. Christmas can be a triggering time full stop, let alone with issues around your in-laws, bereavement, and all the emotions and issues memories bring up. I’m also sorry to hear about your Uncle; even not being close it’s heartbreaking to lose a family member, but it’s also understandably good that he’s no longer suffering and that he and your mum had a closer relationship of late. You have worked so, so hard to get this far; be aware and cautious, but don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself a little leniency in how you cope and manage right now. Sending hugs, hang in there xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Precious friend, i am so sorry for your loss, for the involuntary childlessness, the feeling worse and the anger it triggers. Holidays are a mixed bag indeed, and i hope you are able to take care and protect yourself, even by leaving a gathering if you have to.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I always wanted children and it never happened, I never thought I’d be childless… Yes, that does hurt. Respect to you for getting help – it’s not easy – and for sharing your life with us. I am thinking of you dear friend. ((HUGS)) xo

    Liked by 1 person

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