Out of place

Out of place


That’s how I feel right now. Like this dried up tree (it’s supposed to be art, by the way) surrounded by spring. But this spring doesn’t happen for me.

It’s really hard for me to cope with my SIL’s pregnancy. At first I thought this feeling would go away on its own. We were told last Christmas, but I am still drowning in waves of emotion.

We always wanted to have children. It didn’t happen, despite medical treatments. We were told we would likely be denied adoptive or foster children because of my issues, and to be honest: We weren’t sure if we could deal with the problems these children bring along from their past.


Being told things like “Who knows what this is good for?” don’t help very much when an lifelong dream shatters. This may be true, and we know children are not the only source of happiness. But it still hurts. Of course every now and then friends and acquaintances became parents, but I somehow I managed to play along. I was more stable then, my work distracted me. I also surpressed a lot.

Right now, I have no coping strategies for what is happening. Everything hits me full force. My feelings go everywhere, and my inner demon self-hatred tortures me. Talking about it makes it hurt more – the opposite should be true.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I hope I can come up with something, and quick.



6 thoughts on “Out of place

  1. I’m so sorry… I can’t say anything to make things better for you, but please know that things can and will change with how you feel, that despite how unfair it all is you are still persevering and will keep going past thing point like you have before. Sending my love ♥♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think this may be one of the hardest things to deal with because having children/not having children has such a big impact in our lives. I can only guess at how painful it is to watch someone celebrating pregnancy and the impending birth of a child knowing you can’t experience this. I know it is hard for my daughter to realize that she will never have a child of her own now either, and likely my son also will not. It is hard for me not to long to hold my grandchildren in my arms. Even though we know there must be reasons, just as you say that doesn’t take the pain away. I am sure you are talking to your counselor about this, and I hope you can find a way to give yourself some peace. I will be praying for it. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

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