Everybody is different, so what I am about to tell only applies to me.
When I try to describe this state of mind in which all fuses in my head blow, “meltdown” comes to my mind first. “Breakdown” is not was is happening in these moments. Nothing collapses, instead hot lava runs through my veins and boils over.
Meltdown is a red hot, powerful feeling. For a certain period of time, borders, self control and everything around me disappear.
I do not use my meltdowns to change a situation or manipulate other people, this sets it apart from a tantrum. It is pure overload that I can’t compensate any other way.
Sometimes I can prevent the worst, things rarely spin out of control so badly as they did yesterday. But after a point of no return, I can just let it run its course.
I can not predict what will cause a meltdown. But when I am stable, it doesn’t happen. But this is not the case right now. And I do not live in an ivory tower – life happens.
When a meltdown happens, a part of me says laconically: “Yup. There’s nothing I can do now.!
Mr. Meltdown laughs scornfully and says: “You don’t say! F*ck you, smartass!”
Another part of me cries: “I’m scared!”
And Mr. Meltdown snorts: “You have every reason to be! P*ss off, pussy! BOOH!”
Crying, screaming, self harming, meds… the whole shebang for about half an hour. After that, more crying, trying to calm down in my husband’s arms and the feeling I just ran a marathon.
Having a good night’s sleep would have been important to re-start my brain. No luck, I was tossing and turning most of the time, despite of more meds. I was running on adrenaline and had to move and twitch every few seconds.
I rested a bit during the day, my personal purr-amedic Jackie lying on my stomach. But I tried to sleep not too much, so I can sleep tonight as well. But my mood is still below zero, a meltdown drains me of all my energy. But I managed to get a few chores done, that makes me feel better.
I hope for a better day tomorrow. But I really could live without this chaos in my head 😦