When Mister Meltdown pays a visit

When Mister Meltdown pays a visit

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Everybody is different, so what I am about to tell only applies to me.

When I try to describe this state of mind in which all fuses in my head blow, “meltdown” comes to my mind first. “Breakdown” is not was is happening in these moments. Nothing collapses, instead hot lava runs through my veins and boils over.

Meltdown is a red hot, powerful feeling. For a certain period of time, borders, self control and everything around me disappear.  

I do not use my meltdowns to change a situation or manipulate other people, this sets it apart from a tantrum. It is pure overload that I can’t compensate any other way. 

Sometimes I can prevent the worst, things rarely spin out of control so badly as they did yesterday. But after a point of no return, I can just let it run its course.

I can not predict what will cause a meltdown. But when I am stable, it doesn’t happen. But this is not the case right now. And I do not live in an ivory tower – life happens.

When a meltdown happens, a part of me says laconically: “Yup. There’s nothing I can do now.!
Mr. Meltdown laughs scornfully and says: “You don’t say! F*ck you, smartass!”

Another part of me cries: “I’m scared!”
And Mr. Meltdown snorts: “You have every reason to be! P*ss off, pussy! BOOH!”

Crying, screaming, self harming, meds… the whole shebang for about half an hour. After that, more crying, trying to calm down in my husband’s arms and the feeling I just ran a marathon.

Having a good night’s sleep would have been important to re-start my brain. No luck, I was tossing and turning most of the time, despite of more meds. I was running on adrenaline and had to move and twitch every few seconds.

I rested a bit during the day, my personal purr-amedic Jackie lying on my stomach. But I tried to sleep not too much, so I can sleep tonight as well. But my mood is still below zero, a meltdown drains me of all my energy. But I managed to get a few chores done, that makes me feel better.

I hope for a better day tomorrow. But I really could live without this chaos in my head 😦

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15 thoughts on “When Mister Meltdown pays a visit

  1. Feeling out of control is the scariest place to be and my heart goes out to you. Does something happen that triggers these meltdowns, or does it just come on without any reason? I am glad that you have recovered enough to continue on with blogging and the A-Z, thinking about the sweet animals in your life is good therapy, and surely Jackie deserves a treat for knowing, as cats do, that you needed extra cuddling. It sounds like your husband is very caring and supportive too. I know that state of too much adrenaline to relax and sleep, and I hope the next night was better. At least, as I always remind my daughter, you have the conscious knowledge that if you can just hang in there, this too will pass, and things will be ok again. Don’t let fear win, stick to faith! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. By the way, I really applaud you for your brave writing and sharing, it helps not only you, but it helps others like you to feel less alone, and it helps everyone to better understand! Life is not easy, it can be so very hard at times. You are my hero! XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. I think it’s very important to bring these things out in the open. There is still so much stigma where mental illness is concerned, what makes the people even feel worse.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a horrible way to feel, without the helplessness that goes with it, when you know you can’t stop it, or make a difference to it. It just has to run it’s course. I’m thankful that I can recognise the symptoms before a full meltdown happens and can self-sedate when I need to, to stop it before it gets too bad. I wish for better days for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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