My inner child

When I am feeling extremely anxious and tense, I know my inner child wants to be heard. If I schould describe my inner child, it looks like on the picture above.

This picture was taken shortly before my time in Kindergarten ended, I was six years old. I remember this pinafore dress very vividly, it was made from denim and had embroidered flowers on it. The photographer wanted me to laugh in the camera, but I just couldn’t do it. I had gotten my hearing aid shortly before, my world was upside down.

My grandmother said: “The hearing aid must be hidden!” And so it was always hidden behind my hair. Dear inner child, forty years later you will have a fancy, small in-ear hearing aid and a short hair cut. And you will not care if other people notice your hearing aid or not. You even will speak openly about your hearing loss when meeting someone new, to avoid misunderstandings. You will not be ashamed any more.

I had just recovered from a traumatic hospital stay, resulting in a adenoidectomy. The following tests, which confirmed my hearing loss, and the process of adjusting my hearing aid left me frightened and full of unsecurity. Dear inner child, it is not your fault you cried from fear so often. The grown-ups didn’t handle things very child-oriented. Later, when you are an adult yourself, you will be able to stand up for yourself, this will make everything easier to bear.

Lots of new and strange things had to be processed. I don’t like the hearing aid, everything is so loud. Why does my mother make me put it on every morning? Why do I have to go to this man once a week, who makes me hum like a bee and speak and repeat random words? Dear inner child, you will get used to the hearing aid and understand how it can help you. You will be grateful that your mother fumbled this strange thing into you ear every morning. In hindsight, you will be thankful for the hours spent in logotherapy – it will be your choice if let other people in on your hearing loss, your spelling won’t give you away.

Meanwhile, the grown-ups tried to keep their worries and conversations concerning my future hidden from me. Of course this didn’t work, I felt that something was going on… and that it was about me. Dear inner child, your parents and grandmother are at a loss right now – they don’t now how to help you, because they don’t know anything about hearing loss in children. They will do their best, but they will also make mistakes. You will have to find you own way.

I was very aware of the fact, that I was different. I didn’t want to be different, I just wanted to belong to the other children. Dear inner child, you will have to come to terms with the fact you are not like most people. Some doors will stay closed because of this, others will open. The pain will never go away completely, and some people will hurt you. And there will be other people, who will help you.

I was very anxious at this time, and I regressed. I wanted to sleep with my parents at night again. My mother had to be where I could see her. I was extremely shy around other people and refused to greet people I saw for the first time. Dear inner child, sadly I don’t exist yet. Nobody will stand up for you like I will. But this is in the future. But I am here now, and you can come to me everytime and tell me what is wrong. I am your future self, I wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for you. And I want to tell you this:

• it is okay to feel bad or anxious. Every human goes through this, you are not alone.
• even grown-ups are at a loss sometimes. You can believe me, I am grown up.
• YOU DID VERY WELL! You worked so hard, and this made my life so much easier.

And when you feel tense, overwhelmed and don’t know what to do – you can vent to me, I know you like noone else does. As all adults do, I may not always have a solution at hand, but we two are am experienced team and go through this.

Yours